


Nervous Laughter

by Jaedeite



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, F/M, I wrote this after seeing pre-game Shuichi being manipulative, M/M, Mental Health Issues, This can be seen as pre-game or AU, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, chapter two is more like added after the fact and is a drabble of shit, i just kinda typed to be honest, if you read this bless you, it's literally me describing toxic situations, its one huge fucking ramble that probably isn't as good as i pictured it in my head lol, pre-game, there is no fucking dialouge its just me describing shit, theres like a few lines dialouge tbh, this is not a happy ending for any ships like, very few
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-02
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-09 12:31:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12887925
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jaedeite/pseuds/Jaedeite
Summary: Kokichi doesn't have too many friends in real life, so he finds himself in chatrooms. But when he meets someone, he is a bit too hopeful about potentials, and that hope is his downfall.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is essentially a fucking ramble I spent too much time on. There isn't much talking, it's me in a sense, wanting to test writing without dialogue.
> 
> As said, this isn't a true shipping fanfiction really, at least to me. It's more like a drabble that I took too much time on, something I wrote for myself.

If you asked Kokichi Ouma to describe himself, he would have had a lot of trouble doing so. Who was he? What was he? He had a hard time putting it into words. He’d use generic words. Shy, scared, anxious. Though, was that all he was? Was it who he actually was or how he saw himself?

Sometimes, though, not as much anymore, he saw himself as a loyal dog. Truthful, honest to a point, willing to give up way too much for those he loved. If you asked him who he loved, at one point in his life, you’d get a stammering blushing shy mess. Lots of avoiding the question. He was good at that. At brushing by the question, changing the topic.

Kokichi had never dated anyone, and that made him feel unworthy of love. That wasn’t the only reason Kokichi felt unworthy of love. Anxiety and depression were to blame for that being escalated, even if never clearly diagnosed. Maybe these emotions were why he could cling so tightly to people he cared about. Claws, nails, tooth, anything to avoid letting go. Metaphorically of course. He’d never hurt people he cared about on purpose. Besides that, he would do anything to feel cared about.

Though at the same time, he felt it easy to drift away from people when he grew bored of them. Sometimes it was when conversations were repeated. When he didn’t know what to talk about anymore. When the other person knew too many stories about him. When he had no life stories to tell them. They knew how shitty his family was, how terrible they were, any funny situation or joke. Nothing felt new. Made him feel like a bad person. Like he was treating people as something he could use.

He didn’t have many friends in real life. Maybe he didn’t try hard enough. It was probably his fault, his fault he didn’t try to talk to people he already knew more. When he did reach out, they never reached back. Only him putting in effort. Always left out. Too shy. Too scared. Too nervous. It made him laugh. With all his laughing, people probably saw him as a joke.

He tended to find himself on the computer most of the time. Chatrooms usually. He jumped around. Never seeming to keep friends, finding himself talking to them less and less. Though, they didn’t make an effort to keep talking to him either, so it couldn’t be entirely his fault, right? Maybe they were getting bored of him too.

There was one chatroom he cared for a lot during one point of his life. It was full of people, some he didn’t like, others he did. Kokichi ended up getting noticed for his activity, and became a moderator. Part of him enjoyed this sense of power. Not to abuse it, he was too honest for that. No, he liked people looking up to him like he was some sort of great person. Made him feel like a leader, but not a supreme one. Just, someone people would want to be around. They were forced to be around him to a certain degree.

Was he a shitty person for thinking like that? Fuck, he didn’t know. Kokichi avoided thinking like that, instead relishing in feeling cared about. People flocked to him, enjoyed talking to him. Maybe that was a lie, they just wanted to get noticed in the chat. He didn’t know. He didn’t want to think bad about these other people. Pretend they had good intentions.

So, that’s probably why he clung so close to, well, him. He was the reason he had joined this chatroom, since, long story shorter, he had met him on another chatroom, and Kokichi found out he had managed another chat. He had honestly seemed like such a nice guy, and his chat had been more nicely organized and better ran.

This guy's name? Shuichi Saiharai.

Kokichi didn’t know much about him starting off, but he was amusing. They would talk a lot over voice chat in public lobbies, and at a point it turned into one on one late into the night. Always during the night, when everything was still, except for them. When no one in the world bothered them, and it felt like only they existed.

Shuichi had a girlfriend named Kaede Akamatsu, but she wasn’t involved in the chatroom. Her interests didn’t align with the chat, she preferred to do other things, like play the piano and do things for her college. She seemed nice, like a good person who had gone through her own personal issues. Someone who had seen the world as a dark scary place, who had no faith in other people, but managed to get a cheery outlook by working to improve themselves. Kokichi envied her. For many reasons.

Kokichi wasn’t a detective, but he wasn’t an idiot. Shuichi was starting to be transparent in his talking. A lot of things he was saying of stuff he would want to do with Kokichi if Shuichi himself was there. They were sweet, but Kokichi didn’t want to make things awkward. He’d change the topic, brush by the comments. They were flattering, to hear someone say they’d like to help him do things like brush his hair, paint his nails, make him something. It made his stomach flutter that someone thought like that about him.

Any thoughts that the comments were possibly weird or creepy were pushed aside easily by Kokichi. Anything to just focus on the fact someone liked him and wanted to spend time with him.

But when Shuichi announced it to him, it made it hard to ignore and pretend he was oblivious as fuck. He could have dealt with one-sided emotions on his own part, and he had in the past, but hearing someone actually liked him? He didn’t know how to deal with the information.

“I just wanted to let you know, that I have a crush on you…” Shuichi had started, pausing to take a breath. “But I’m not looking for anything right now. I’m just letting you know in case anything ever gets awkward, so you can call me out.”

Kokichi had just nodded, despite Shuichi not being able to see him. He understood, but, maybe it was because someone saying they had a crush on him that made him develop a crush. Was he crushing on Shuichi before? He had thought so, but, maybe he was just lonely and projecting. Possibly he could have been in a daydreaming mood about anyone who had showed him kindness. So, how could he even trust his own feelings if they were sparked by others taking initiative? But now he bit his tongue instead. Not wanting to ruin a good friendship he had.

Though, if that was his plan, playing a weird version of twenty questions wasn’t the smartest thing in the world.

“Do you… like me too?” The question had come from Shuichi days later. He had wanted Kokichi to ask questions. Something seemingly innocent. It had seemed unfair for Shuichi to be the one answering everything, but then again, Kokichi was terrible at thinking of questions. He didn’t want to push any weird boundaries. He wanted Shuichi to question too. But this, Kokichi hadn’t know how to respond.

Maybe part of him had wanted this? He didn’t know.

All he did was laugh. It overflowed from his mouth, spewing, like a waterfall rapid rushing out, soaking up everything in it’s path. Laugh. That’s what he did when he was nervous. No one would ever take him serious when he would just laugh. Why couldn’t he just lie? Lying would have been the best thing for him to do. But he couldn’t. Lying all the time wasn’t his nature.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

Shuichi was so nice, trying to let him get out the question. A way out. An escape. He could take it. Run off.

“At this point…” Kokichi’s laughing died down, his voice getting quieter. “I think my answer is kinda obvious….” He trailed off. He could feel his face getting red. His heart beating. Nerves on end. He was a terrible person, not respecting Shuichi's situation and the fact he had a girlfriend. Stupid Kokichi! Such a fucking idiot. It was all his fault. Such a fucking moron, Kokichi. All because he had feelings for someone!

At that point not much changed a whole lot. Told each other about their lives and stories about family. Kokichi was pleased they still talked, but, goddamn, the compliments. Kokichi felt warm, blissful, felt like he was worth something. Told his voice sounded amazing, that he was such a sweet person. He loved it. But, he didn’t know how to return the affection. Telling someone ‘haha same, cool beans, finger guns’ out of irony, well, it was how he showed affection, but it wasn’t a good way.

Shuichi’s was better. He was always better. His anxiety, depression, his shitty family, he didn’t deserve it. He never deserved the shitty things he had dealt with. He deserved happiness. To be happy, whatever that may be. Kokichi made sure to tell him. Shuichi never seemed to absorb it. Shuichi never absorbed anything positive Kokichi told him.

He couldn’t explain why he liked Shuichi. Why? Why do you have crushes? It’s hard to explain. Kokichi didn’t crush based on someone’s physical looks. Sure, it could help, but, he had to know their personality. He knew what Shuichi looked like, they had video chatted despite Kokichi being bashful, but… To put it in words, it was hard. Kokichi usually just said because Shuichi was nice to him, sweet to him, kind to him, caring to him. Always to him.

Irony though to think of it. Their banter, had you inspected it, would have made someone think otherwise. Shuichi enjoyed a sort of weird edgier humor, so to speak, as if to get a rise out of someone. Calling people bitch, whore, worthless, that kind of stuff. Racism in his humor, only to say he was actually joking. It was satire was what he’d say. That kind of shit.

Kokichi knew he was lying though, it was just a joke. Shuichi loved Kokichi, he didn’t think Kokichi was a cheap whore. Not at all, that was just how good of friends they were. Kokichi knew better, it was just playful banter. Kokichi didn’t take it to heart, he’d just return it back. Though, never as extreme. Just out of affection.

Anything for any kind of attention. To have Shuichi's eyes on only him. Like a needy child. Like an eager dog.

But Shuichi was rough with his teasing at times. Vulgar on purpose. Slurs that made Kokichi upset. Racist jokes for the reactions of others. Ouma told himself Shuichi wasn’t racist, not when he’d talk about his more so liberal way of thinking in seriousness. But he ignored the words so he could put Shuichi on a pedestal instead, because Kokichi believed he was simply just overreacting by not liking his use of slurs. He played along instead. It was easier, because, everything was just a joke, right? So he'd laugh, try to push past the awkwardness.

His morals were being tested in that sense, though also in many ways. Shuichi would always speak about his girlfriend. But, Kokichi was hopeful. That was his downfall, always his downfall. To Kokichi, Shuichi seemed to only be with her out of necessity of being scared of being alone. Anxiety, depression, fears of abandonment, keeping him in a relationship he didn’t want to be in. Mixed signals he couldn’t fully read kept Kokichi going. Hope. It was like a disease that Kokichi had obtained. A disease that didn’t look like it needed curing to the one that had it.

Shuichi would talk about living near Kokichi, talk about taking Kokichi places, talk about how much he liked Kokichi, about the thoughts that Kokichi instilled into Shuichi. About how Shuichi shouldn’t feel this way for Kokichi, but he did. Anything Shuichi used to bring up his feelings for Kokichi, about how nights were reserved for him, how Kokichi was on his mind. It brought so much hope to Kokichi.

He didn’t understand how Shuichi could like him so much. It made Kokichi want to improve himself for Shuichi. Though, Shuichi told him living for someone was dangerous. Which, Kokichi believed. He didn’t want to live for Shuichi, he just wanted to bring Shuichi happiness and be someone he could keep liking. That wasn’t the same, right?

But, Kokichi felt, jealously? He wanted to be with Shuichi, to scream to the world to look at me! Look at my relationship! But he had to bite his tongue. The chatroom couldn’t know he was practically flirting with Shuichi, who was taken. It was wrong of him, shitty of him. Shuichi was dancing on a thin line. One he was more than aware of, but that didn’t stop him. Despite Shuichi being involved, Kokichi did not blame his beloved.

A red flag that Kokichi stupidly ignored. But, in a world of rose, he didn’t fully blame himself. But he blamed himself the most.

“What does one get their girlfriend for Valentine’s Day?” Shuichi had asked late at night, a few days before.

Kokichi had answered truthfully. Flowers, chocolate, teddy bears, jewelry, anything and everything. It was generic garbage he spewed. Kokichi had never had to buy someone a gift for the holiday. He wanted to change that, and hearing this person, someone that also had a crush on him, talk about his girlfriend, to someone he was flirting with mere moments before, it twisted Kokichi’s stomach. Knotted it. He could have threw up.

Kokichi knew he was a hopeful moron and he hated it. Hated himself.

Had anyone ever even crushed on Kokichi before this? He didn’t know, he didn’t think so. He was repulsive, wasn’t he? So that’s why he dug his nails, claws, teeth, anything and everything, into Shuichi. He didn’t want to let go, even if it was wrong. This hope, it kept him going. That fear of despair, falling, ruining something that had potential, he’d have to grip on tighter. He couldn’t fall, they were going higher and higher, and every moment meant a higher fall. More pain.

So even when the holiday came and passed, he heard about the wonderful evening that Shuichi had with his girlfriend, and how wonderful everything was, Kokichi was still hopeful. It made him want to laugh till he cried. Jealousy. He hated that emotion. Jealousy was a fine emotion, as long as you never acted badly on. And after all, he wanted Shuichi to be happy! Even if that meant not dating him. He deserved to be happy, for all his worries, anxieties, depression, sadness, washed away.

Though, when Shuichi had stopped talking to him one day. Kokichi had freaked out. Shuichi wanted space. He was paranoid people would figure out he was crushing and flirting with someone while he was taken. Apparently, people were suspicious from how’d they’d act in public chat lobbies. Maybe, maybe some distance would make his crushing feelings die down? It made sense. Time, space, distance. Things that could usually help.

Kokichi understood, but he was still upset. He and Shuichi talked almost every day at a point. Now there was a void in that time during the night. He kept to himself. He was depressed. He just, he felt dead all the time. Didn’t want to talk to anyone else. His depression grew to a point of him being sick over it. Jealous! Shuichi talking to other people! Playing games!

Kokichi would jump when he got a stray call from Shuichi. Pick up as quickly as possible. Though, Shuichi was always walking somewhere, doing something else. Calling out of convenience, something to pass the time till he got home. A distraction from the world. Kokichi was easy. Convenient. Eager.

It made Kokichi feel used, but, he didn’t care! His beloved Shuichi was calling him, and, just to hear him talk, even if only for a moment, it’d make Kokichi’s breath hitch. He hadn’t been fully forgotten, it was enough to ease him, even if he went back to being jealous shortly after when Shuichi went to talk to other people, play games, ignore Kokichi. Just like he was doing before.

So when Shuichi, after a good month, wanted to talk again. Kokichi was so thankful. Shuichi had apologized, said what he did was unfair because he didn't think of Kokichi's feelings. But Kokichi said it was fine because, you are allowed to cut people out of your life if you wish. Something he knew but didn't want to happen.

But, Kokichi's was happy, his prayers to a god he didn’t believe in, they’d be answered. The flirting, the compliments, the insults, the banter. It came back and felt natural. Kokichi was thrilled. He was so happy. He was so glad he never gave up his hope! Attention was back on him, and he couldn’t have been more thrilled.

They’d play games, always what Shuichi wanted. Kokichi was happy to just talk to Shuichi. Anything to spend time with him. He was scared when he said no, Shuichi would leave to play that game with someone else. No compromises, that’s not what Shuichi did. If he wouldn’t play a game with Shuichi, Shuichi would find someone else to play with. But, Kokichi was happy if Shuichi was happy! And he wanted to be involved in that happiness!

So when Kokichi started realizing that Shuichi would usually drink a lot, and get angry at video games, drunk or not, it worried Kokichi. The drinking was like a ladder. The more shots Shuichi had, the more depressed and angry he’d get. Which meant the more angry he got about losing. But a few shots in, not too many, Shuichi was giddy, happy, laughing. A fake facade.

However, Kokichi, well, he got nervous at Shuichi's anger. Nerves caused laughter. Laughter caused Shuichi to get angry. Made Shuichi think Kokichi wasn’t being serious. Anxiety and tension rose.

Shuichi was competitive, a perfectionist. He told Kokichi he wanted someone on his skill level to play with. He was trusting Kokichi to not let him down. To let Kokichi be shaped and molded by him to a skill level of his desire for his use. Someone that Shuichi could trust. Kokichi wanted to desperately be that person.

He didn’t want to fail Shuichi. He, he couldn’t let him down! Shuichi couldn’t be disappointed in him! Anything to not be yelled at. Kokichi hated being yelled at, it turned him in a mess. Anxiety overflowing, like a rapid he couldn’t plug up, water flowing everywhere. Drowning, like he had no air. Everything around him hot as he tried to feel as small as possible. As if Shuichi could see him when they weren’t even video chatting.

Claws, tooth, nails, the things he metaphorically dug into Shuichi, would now dig into Kokichi’s own skin. Shuichi would yell, scream, if Kokichi messed up in a game. Hang up calls only to call back, apologizing, repeating the process. All over missing a shot, accidentally making mistakes, not being good enough. Screaming would shake Kokichi to his core so much that he’d cry. How dare he disappoint Shuichi? Shuichi just needed a distraction. That’s why Shuichi would drink alcohol and get drunk, to deal with the anxiety. The games were a distraction. And Kokichi fucked that up, like he always did. Shuichi was a perfectionist, and Kokichi was a fuck up.

Claws, teeth, and nails, right into Kokichi’s own flesh. Because he wasn’t good enough for Shuichi. Red marks on pale skin trailing down arms and legs. Rarely blood, very rarely. If Kokichi got his way, there’d be a lot more. He wanted to rip out his throat. Tear out his stomach. He was a fucking disappointment. He couldn’t even hurt himself correctly. Too scared to use a knife, anything sharp. Needles, blades, any usual weapon of choice, Kokichi was too scared to even handle them.

A scar down his arm, crooked down his arm when straight against his side, but perfectly horizontal when his folded in front of him, it would remain as a reminder of how he was treated.

But Shuichi didn’t mean anything he said or what it caused Kokichi to do! Kokichi just had bad anxiety and depression, and he needed to learn to speak up, to tell Shuichi the words were making him feel like this! Shuichi would always apologize. Tell Kokichi something like he didn’t remember the previous night, that the alcohol made him forget. Or he would ignore Kokichi, apparently feeling too much guilt about his actions. But, Shuichi ignored Kokichi quite a bit, not just because of that.

Kokichi would always believe him, why would his beloved lie to him, when all Kokichi had done was be loyal and trustful? Apologies meant the world to Kokichi, meant Shuichi was sorry. Kokichi’s family didn’t apologize to him for what they had done wrong, and any form of sorry had to mean someone cared about you.

Plus, Shuichi wanted to get better! He knew he had a problem with anger. He would get the help, he would, he just, couldn’t right now. Later. Always later. Always promises not followed through. Always Kokichi blindly believing what Shuichi told him. After all. Why would Shuichi lie to someone he loved? Clearly there had to be a reason, it couldn’t be a lie.

He believed Shuichi only lied for games, to get reactions, for jokes, for fun, for inside jokes. He wouldn’t do that to Kokichi. Kokichi meant too much to Shuichi. Right?

But everything was always what Shuichi would want. Conversations would be less frequent at times. They’d come and go depending on the time or mood. Like Shuichi was pulling the tides back and forth. From drowning Kokichi by not talking to him, to giving him air when he paid attention to nervous little Kokichi by pulling the tides away, as if the Red Sea to part way for Shuichi to walk to Kokichi. To save Kokichi from drowning from the loneliness, from his fears, his nerves, his emotions.

Shuichi wouldn’t respond to Kokichi at times, a lot of the time, ignoring much of what was sent to him, making excuses why he did. But he’d always be back, to part the tides he easily controlled

It was only when Shuichi wanted something. When Shuichi wanted to play a game, watch a show, talk about his girlfriend. Was walking somewhere. When Shuichi wanted to show Kokichi a short video only to hang up, leaving Kokichi behind with his thoughts. Alone. So alone. Waiting for Shuichi to call back. He’d promised to call later, and that wasn’t a lie, right?

Kokichi would send memes, jokes, images he thought Shuichi would enjoy. But, no response, only excuses that Shuichi was busy, Kokichi sent too many images, or just, plain out ignoring. Kokichi blamed himself for the conversations not continuing as frequent. He’d try to casually talk to Shuichi, but he was too scared to call! The thought made him want to laugh. They were friends who cared for each other! They had flirted and danced on a thin line of morals of Shuichi practically cheating.

Why was he so scared! Where was this fear coming from? Was, was he scared that Shuichi wouldn’t pick up? That Shuichi not picking up would indicate that Shuichi didn’t care anymore? That he’d interrupt Shuichi and anger him? That Shuichi wouldn’t want to talk to him? That Shuichi was too busy for him? Honestly, it was probably all of those. Sometimes he’d gather the courage to call Shuichi. Sometimes.

Maybe that’s why he was surprised when Shuichi would come out of the woodwork, tell him, once again, like a broken record, that he wanted to continue talking, like they had before. Before Shuichi stopped responding. Before Shuichi got busy. Shuichi would insult himself, calling himself trash, a bad friend, selfish, shitty, terrible, someone worthy of being hated.

Kokichi would argue. He’d tell Shuichi, ‘no, I’m an easy level friend!’ as a sort of joke, in a way to say he understood no one had to talk to someone all the time. That you could ignore him due to real life, and he’d be sitting there, like the loyal little puppy he was. Waiting, eagerly, for their master to return, tail wagging, eyes large. Like a stupid fucking moron dog that would sit outside waiting and freeze to death.

Emotions were tricky. Kokichi, he wanted a relationship, but, Shuichi had his relationship. With someone he knew in real life. If that made him happy, it’d make Kokichi happy too. But, oh god, the mixed signals continued. The flattery, the comments towards Kokichi, about how Shuichi truly loved him and cared for him. 

Kokichi tried to be the voice of reason. Tell Shuichi they needed to take a step back with all the flirting and talk. But it was hard, and Kokichi, he was a weak piece of shit, wasn’t he? Especially when Shuichi would push, as if to test the waters.

“What are we?” Shuichi had asked one day while they were playing a game. It was a fine question. They had bared their souls, maybe Kokichi more so, and had become close. It was fair to ask.

“I, I don’t know.” Kokichi had laughed, not sure how to answer. He wanted to yell, I want to date you, you could see if you girlfriend is fine with poly, you could make this situation clear. But he didn’t. He didn’t want to push Shuichi to a decision. He didn’t want to be manipulative. He was supportive, not controlling, not bossy.

Shuichi had just let out sigh. “I wish you had a backbone.”

Kokichi’s blood had froze. He didn’t understand. What did Shuichi mean? A backbone? Why? What did he want Kokichi to do. It ate him up inside. He wanted to be true to his feelings and say them outloud. But, he wanted to respect Shuichi and Kaede. He didn’t want to be a bad person.

He only realized too late that Shuichi wanted to feel guilt free. He had wanted Kokichi to initiate a relationship. So Kokichi could take the blame for whatever Shuichi had decided to do.

Everything had been a slippery slide Kokichi had realized too late. His morals being tested. Shuichi pushing Kokichi. Telling Kokichi, be selfish, give into your desires. That Kokichi was fun to be around, fun to mess with, fun to tell what to do. That he was the one who is single, so it’s not Kokichi's fault if anything happens. He was an idiot, he shouldn’t be talking to Shuichi like this. But he did. He did anyway. Red flags not seen.

Or maybe red flags were just ignored. Especially with Shuichi's talking pattern. Shuichi being interested violence, in torture, in controlling people. Shuichi had talked about breaking one’s morals, about one’s spirit. About wanting the chance to violently hurt someone without repercussions. Told Kokichi about violent thoughts. Kokichi thought they were simply intrusive thoughts. Though, maybe he was making himself think that way, so he could keep Shuichi on his pedestal.

The slope became more slippery, and in Kokichi’s head, it was Kokichi's fault, of course. God, he was such an idiot. He couldn’t remember the reason he had decided to purchase alcohol. Was it because he felt left out when Shuichi drank? That he wanted to be more open with his feelings and he thought alcohol could do that? He wasn’t sure, but he knew he was using it for both those reasons.

Alcohol, vodka specifically, made him feel warm. It tasted gross, smelled like nail polish remover. But it was clear like water. Easy to hide, easy to store. Poured into a small shot glass, trying to swallow that shot in a single gulp so one can’t taste it. Gagging anyway as the taste still happens, wanting to puke. Feeling his stomach churn as he tried to desperately drink a chaser to wash away any reminders of the poison he had just willingly ingested, and would do so again.

But it made him feel warm inside, his skin warm, everything warm, like a weird hug. Part of him understood now why Shuichi would get drunk. Anxiety melted away. Kokichi got giddy when he drank, laughed even more, wanted to say anything and everything he thought of. Which, was the point. So he’d spill himself to Shuichi, heart on his sleeve, so to say.

They’d do things, things out of emotions, and, was it lust? Kokichi didn’t know. He wanted to say it was out of love, out of caring, out of truly caring. Out of emotion. Submissive little Kokichi. He couldn’t say no, not to his beloved. But his beloved could easily say no to him.

Letting Shuichi's voice have any kind of effect on him. Letting Shuichi tell him what to do and what to say. Words melted him, tones turned him into a puddle. Praise made him feel loved. He would make Shuichi happy, laugh for him not due to nerves, but because, Shuichi loved him, his laugh, his voice. Even if it meant acting cuter for attention. Even if it meant cheating in games for him, while meanwhile Shuichi cheated on his girlfriend.

He couldn’t do the same for Shuichi though when it came to being dominant. Maybe he had, once or twice, because he would try, because Shuichi had requested. To use Shuichi for anything dirty, to be controlling and commanding, to make Shuichi feel worthwhile to be used. Kokichi tried so hard, but, it usually turned around quickly, to the original roles of Kokichi being the equivalent of a good puppy. One that would easily freeze and kill itself by waiting outside.

Did he regret the things that had done. The words they shared? Was it consenting if they were both drunk? If only Shuichi was drunk? If Kokichi was only drunk? Even if that last one rarely, if never, happened due to Shuichi always being a drunk mess whenever possible. Alcohol didn’t exist in Shuichi's room for very long, and he always managed to easily get more.

Was it consenting if they were fine with being used for this if they were drunk and had consented while sober? Kokichi, he wasn’t sure. But, did he truly care? He could feel like he was worth something and cared for during these quiet nights. When their calls usually happened, in the dead of night, when it felt like it was only the two of them existing. For each other.

Sleeping during calls. It was calming. Like a peaceful dream. Even if it wasn’t followed by what others would call sinful or wrong. Just, falling asleep, listening to Shuichi breathe, snore. Kokichi hated snoring, but Shuichi's snoring, it was peaceful. Made Kokichi feel at peace.

Was that weird? Was he weird? Was it creepy? Was Kokichi creepy? Was Kokichi wrong and gross and nasty and disgusting? Kokichi thought so, but he didn’t stop.

Tides came, tides went. So when the tide came, loneliness drowning him. Kokichi felt like garbage again. What should he do to deal with these emotions?

Kokichi knew he shouldn’t, shouldn’t tell someone. But, he had to. Even if they knew about this weird situation would mean embarassment for Kokichi, he had to tell them. To put his mind at ease, to have someone else to rely on. Kokichi knew if Shuichi knew he had told people, Shuichi would avoid him.

Shuichi had already gotten angry when Kokichi had accidently said vague shit to other people. Though, it was funny, since when Shuichi would use vague knowledge about Kokichi, it was fine. Shuichi telling people about his mysterious good dog he owned, or getting people to ask Kokichi questions, since, well, Kokichi couldn't say no, right? Kokichi could say no, just never to his beloved. 

But, that was not the point at the moment. Kokichi couldn’t deal with Shuichi possibly hating him. But the loneliness was killing him. He had to show off his bared soul to others. He wanted to vent.

Even if it meant having to lie to Shuichi that he hadn’t told anyone. He’d trade it for a bit of peace in his head. To not have so many nerves be on an end.

He told two of his friends about the situation that was going on. Rantaro Amami, someone involved in the chatroom. He was like a brother to Kokichi. He trusted him too. But, was Kokichi’s trust worth anything? Kokichi wasn’t sure. And Miu Iruma, she was savvy, loud, blunt, to the point. But, caring, even if she was an asshole. Miu wasn’t involved in the chatroom, she was a friend Kokichi talked to on and off, met in a different chatroom, long gone. They were both bad with keeping in touch with each other.

Rantaro had been supportive, always, being there and caring. So had Miu. Though, they could have done without Kokichi telling them about the things they had done, things they said. A bit too much information.

They were there for Kokichi when Shuichi wasn’t. Which, was a lot. Made Kokichi question Shuichi a bit. But, not enough at the time.

Though, Miu’s advice was more straightforward. She told him to tell Shuichi to fuck off. That Kokichi would be better for it. But Kokichi didn’t want to ditch Shuichi. He had promised he would always be there for Shuichi. And he didn’t want to be that big of a liar. He would always be Shuichi’s friend. He wanted to prove to him and himself he could do this. To not ditch him, to keep his promises, to show Shuichi he cared.

Rantaro and Miu, they would tease, friends do that kind of thing. Use code. They thought Shuichi was generic looking, so they’d call him Carl the Accountant. Joke that Kokichi wanted to see what was in Shuichi's briefcase. Silly innuendos. Kokichi laughed, never due to nerves with them. Their teasings, it was so much better then Shuichi’s. Lacking the extreme usage of slurs and constant extreme insults. Sure, there were insults, but much more toned down. More obviously playful.

They were there for Kokichi when Shuichi had once again, brought the tide back out, letting Kokichi get air so he could breathe, not being so lonely from missing his beloved. It was a rollercoaster, their friendship, or, whatever it was. It was more, wasn’t it? He questioned how he could be lonely when surrounded online by people other than Shuichi.

Curves, turns, loops. Shuichi was a mess. Drunk, up late, a disaster. Suicidal was the taste of this month. Alcoholic was the taste of the year Kokichi had realized too late. Or as Shuichi called it, problem drinking. Kokichi frowned, realizing how oblivious Shuichi was to his own problem. But, any chance Kokichi tried to get Shuichi to stop drinking, ended up with Shuichi lashing out. Not talking to Kokichi. Hanging up. Yelling. Then later blaming Kokichi for not stopping him.

Suicidal and drunk, always a terrible mess. Kokichi would get told about how Shuichi would cut, a knife in his mouth, a knife in his room, a knife under his foot. Never sober enough to find it and put it safely away. But drunk enough to webcam a knife in mouth, running it over his flesh, not leaving a mark.

Hiding scars from his girlfriend was the story he’d get. Kokichi would also get upset, physically getting sick from the shit Shuichi would put him through. Though, wasn’t it worth it to talk to his beloved? To help him. To let Shuichi know that’d people would miss him if he died. That Kokichi would miss him. That, Kaede, would miss him. Shuichi never believed him.

Begging and crying never helped when Kokichi did them in these situation. He’d cry since Shuichi was yelling, being suicidal, threatening. Something snapped inside of Kokichi, scared for Shuichi, breaking apart. Shuichi would turn, either apologizing, hanging up, yelling, or even telling Kokichi that next time he made Kokichi cry he’d kill himself. Sometimes he would call back, or Kokichi would. It was a mess. Kokichi’s emotions were like a plaything, being controlled by Shuichi. Easily swayed, leaving Kokichi to wake up the next day, feeling depressed and barely functioning.

Miu and Rantaro, they cared, try to tell Kokichi it wasn’t healthy, to show Kokichi that the situation was shitty. Kokichi would laugh. It was clearly okay, cause Shuichi said sorry! Besides, Shuichi was calling, so he had to stop talking to them to go be pure utter garbage and talk to Shuichi, his beloved! So, he’d say a quick goodbye, and hang up on them, to pick up the other call.

Some nights he’d call Miu and Rantaro back after two minutes, other nights not till the next day. Call times were irregular with Shuichi. Call lengths irregular. Some calls were to play a game, others were to keep Shuichi company as he walked. But, any time to listen to his beloved. Even if a be right back turned into five hours or one that never came.

Eager. Way too eager to talk to Shuichi. Shuichi knew this. Used this. Abused this. Sweet nothings through a microphone for Kokichi. Only to be told how great Kaede was, how he was going to watch a movie with Kaede, how caring Kaede was, how sweet. Even weirder mixed signals.

That Kokichi shouldn’t feel bad if Shuichi hung out with Kaede, because he had real life stuff too. Not to worry about it, because he still loved and cared for Kokichi.

Then to hear later at night how Kaede would not listen to Shuichi's depression, his anxiety. How she was not there for him. How she wasn’t what he wanted. How she was too busy. Was Shuichi just drunk spewing? Maybe. Probably.

Sober Shuichi sure seemed to love Kaede. But he was also telling Kokichi how loved he was. Too many emotions for Kokichi to handle. His head running too fast. So, he focused on what made him feel good. The hope, not the despair.

Mixed signals, even after so much time. What was true, what was a lie? Was anything ever true? Kokichi began to question.

Always what Shuichi wanted. Television was what Shuichi wanted. Long shows, many episodes. Only when Shuichi wanted to, rarely, if even ever, when Kokichi wanted to. He would watch anything for Shuichi, so he could spend time with him. But, it’d be nice if Shuichi would watch something he wanted to more than just once.

He’d watch so much television for Shuichi. Shows he didn’t really like, movies too, just to spend time with Shuichi. It’d be nice if Shuichi would agree to something Kokichi liked. Kokichi argued along the lines of, ‘I watched a few dozen episodes of your show, you should watch mine’. Only for Shuichi to shame Kokichi, to tell Kokichi that it was shitty to expect Shuichi to watch that show just because Kokichi watched his. That, if Kokichi didn’t want to watch his show, he should just say so. 

Made Kokichi frustrated at Shuichi. How could Shuichi not realize he just wanted to spend time with the other boy? Made Kokichi feel shitty, but mostly just frustrated.

But than again, it’d also be nice if Shuichi would understand Kokichi just enjoyed spending time with Shuichi. He could sit in a silent call for hours, feeling peace by just knowing Shuichi was there too. He’d do anything for Shuichi to understand this, for Shuichi to not hang up, to not leave Kokichi alone in a regular quiet room. With no one on the other side of a computer existing for him. He wanted someone to exist for him. It was selfish.

Kokichi realized at a point Shuichi was violent. Sure, Shuichi had talked about ut before, but it never fully clicked. Kokichi had hoped it was intrusive thoughts or the alcohol talking. But, Shuichi had legit interest in torture, blood, taking his anger out on others, breaking one's morals. The equivalent of taking of taking advantage of someone and having your way with them. Despite this realization, Kokichi still hoped.

He’d talk about some show, or was it a game, that was about killing. Wanted him to get into it too. Kokichi, he tried, he’d watch it, but, it wasn’t exactly his thing. He wasn’t fully interested it, it was a bit too much for him. But, he’d watch it to spend time with Shuichi. There were many games and shows that were darker that Shuichi liked. Never anything casual. Even if the game wasn't violent, it was still a competition Shuichi had to win.

Shuichi enjoyed the violent characters, the charismatic characters. Said they were charming, even if they were supposed to be painted in a bad light. Charismatic characters, even when they did something bad, they always got a free slide in Shuichi's eyes, even when they’d cheat on their spouses. Maybe, maybe Shuichi related to them?

Talked about torture, types that interested him. About what he would want to do to other humans. Pain, torture. Sent shivers down Kokichi's spine. Why did Shuichi have to romanticize violent feelings? Use violent games as a distraction for mental illness. He had to be exaggerating, right? Violent media didn’t make someone violent, that was obvious. But being interested in the violence was another thing.

Why did Kokichi ignore flags? Why was he so dumb, blinded by love. Casual I love you, casual fling, casual flirting. It was enough to make Kokichi feel his highest with it, and his lowest without it.

At a point, Kokichi hit a breaking point. The second valentine’s day. Hearing Shuichi once again talk about gifts for Kaede. Something in him broke. Shuichi, didn’t actually care for him like that. He was being used. What they were doing was wrong.

He was lonely on Valentine’s Day. He did nothing for it till late into the night, into the morning.

Kokichi drank. The rest of his vodka, orange juice, sparkling flavored water, and a five hour energy drink. Messily mixed in a huge blue plastic cup. Add some spherical ice for extra flare. Though, if he really wanted flare, he wouldn’t be using a giant plastic cup and drinking in the dark while talking to Rantaro, Miu, and a few others that were mutual friends with him and Miu. Others he had told and didn’t use the chatroom unlike him and Rantaro.

“Dude!” Miu had started, laughing, loudly. She had joined in with drinking with Kokichi. “You should, so fucking totes call Shuichi and fucking tell him off! Cut him out of your life!”

Kokichi had heard Rantaro sigh. “I agree to a point, but, Miu, it’s two in the mo-”

“I’m! I’m gonna do it!” Kokichi called out, trying to keep his words steady. He was done with Shuichi's nonsense. He was tired of being an idiot. Being controlled by the waves. Being a prisoner of his hope. He needed to call it off. He’d use this alcohol in his system to motivate himself. To let go of his hope, to fall into whatever below him. Was it despair? Or was it a different kind of hope. He couldn’t tell yet.

Though, Kokichi wouldn’t cut Shuichi out of his life at the moment, but he’d call off whatever their relationship was. It was a step.

So he called Shuichi, two in the morning. Practically almost crying from being drunk. Calling it off. Shuichi, understood. Told him he’d always still care and love Kokichi, and he had nothing to worry about their friendship. Shuichi still loved him.

Shuichi didn’t understand Kokichi’s crying or the nervous laughter. Kokichi felt that he was unlovable. That maybe he’d never find another person who’d love or care for him the same. That, what if this was his only chance, and he had let them out of his grip made of claws, teeth, nails. To plunge into whatever laid below the hope he held onto.

Though, another part of him ignored the thought of, maybe Shuichi never actually cared for him. That was a worry for later.

Rantaro and Miu were happy. Comforted Kokichi. But, Kokichi was still garbage. Still eager to talk to Shuichi, even if he wasn’t being controlled by pure emotion. The start on the right path.

And a being not being controlled by emotion allowed him the chance to analyze the past.

So bitterness grew in Kokichi. Though, it took months longer than it should have. Analyzing what happened. How Shuichi had treated him. Manipulative is all he could think of. He had been used, like a toy. Shuichi wasn’t a good friend. He was someone who had lied to Kokichi. Had he ever been honest? Maybe. Maybe not.

Kokichi cut himself out from the chatroom, distancing himself. It was falling apart, people losing interest and creating their own groups. Kokichi had made one. Called it DICE. Added people he liked, people he wanted to know better. It, it was nice. Felt peaceful. Supportive. Like a real family.

Maybe his tipping point of bitterness was hearing Shuichi talk about wanting to marry Kaede months after he called off the fling, or, whatever one wanted to call it. That may have been the point he fully actually realized that Shuichi didn’t actually love him. He loved not being lonely. Shuichi was scared of being alone at night with only his thoughts. How could someone go from telling people that his girlfriend wasn’t supportive enough of him, only to then want to marry them not even five months later? It astonished Kokichi. Made him feel sick. Made him laugh while telling Rantaro and Miu about it. Not nervous laughter. Bitter laughter.

And, also probably the fact he saw Shuichi using the same tactics on another. Another person that was a mutual friend of his. Also a passive personality. Tsumugi Shirogane. Kokichi didn’t remember how he found out, that she had been used too. They had been talking, it came up in conversation.

Though, she was smarter than Kokichi. Kokichi had found out though she too had been sucked into Shuichi's manipulation tactics, easily played by emotion, she didn’t do anything with him. Once again, Kokichi felt envy.

But then again, they were both used by this same person. Played for fools. Had their emotions dangled from strings. Both drowned by the same Red Sea that Shuichi controlled. He truly was asshole, even if he was doing these things due to mental illness. It wasn’t an excuse. Maybe a reason, but it didn’t give Shuichi a free pass just because of it.

He also felt sadness. Another realization he meant nothing. Anyone who was passive enough was a victim. Sweet nothings meant for him were also for others. He should have realized this sooner. Him to Tsumugi was the equivalent of Kaede to him. Such an idiot. Why did it take him so long to reach a tipping point? Why was he so oblivious to the obvious?

He wasn’t special. He was easy.

Any traces from a rose colored world were gone, replaced with anger and bitterness. Maybe, a type of despair? Kokichi wanted to make up for his past mistakes. What could he do? What was the best solution?

First he blocked Shuichi. Though, he found it funny. Before he blocked the other boy, he had seen if he didn’t talk to Shuichi, what would happen. Took Shuichi a few days to notice Kokichi was acting different. So he ended up asking if he did something wrong. Kokichi laughed, bitterly. Told him that he was busy. Shuichi bought it. An easy lie for Kokichi to tell him. And Shuichi bought it. After all, Kokichi could never lie, right? Not to his beloved.

An idea formed. Was he okay with losing his friendship he had with Shuichi? An easy answer of yes, it came quickly. It wasn’t like he used the chatroom anymore Shuichi ran. So, friendship with Shuichi, it meant nothing now. He had other people, who responded to him, who cared, didn’t treat him like a toy all the time. Who if they were using Kokichi, didn’t make it so damn horrible and toxic.

Contacting Kaede Akamatsu was his retribution. To atone for his sins. His mistakes.

Kokichi wasn’t a detective. Though, maybe he should have been one. He was too good at finding information from people with only a little bit given. Was it considered doxxing when you weren’t outing someone’s information, but you were using all information you had about them to find them? Kokichi didn’t know. Kokichi didn’t care if it was creepy. He needed to find out how to contact her. On an active online account, even if it wasn’t linked to her full name. If worse came to worse, he’d message her apparent best friend on one of her accounts, Maki Harukawa.

Funny enough, Shuichi had told Kokichi about Maki. Apparently, they had quite a bit in common? That their personalities had matched quite a bit, that they enjoyed the same media, had the same ideals. He said they would have gotten along wonderfully. But, maybe in another life that could happen. Not this one.

It took three weeks to get a response. Not because he couldn’t find an account. Because he didn’t want to come across too creepy to her. Her first few accounts were inactive, and Kokichi had waited to see if she’d respond. So when she responded back on the one he knew she was active on, Kokichi was scared. Too frightened to look. What if she was mad. Yelling. Angry. Furious. Pissed.

She was none. She was thankful. She didn’t blame Kokichi for what Shuichi had done. She was asking for proof. Kokichi felt relief she was sensible.

Kokichi could easily provide that said proof. He had a lot of chat logs. Saved, never deleted. As much as possible. Maybe with a bit of sass in the screenshots, showing off one of Shuichi mentioning he hated people sharing private PMs. Made Kokichi feel a bit better.

She was thankful again. She wanted to video chat, to put a face and name to Kokichi. To put more light onto the situation. Said it made it easier to relate to someone when you knew who they were.

Kokichi agreed. Anything. He didn’t care what it was. He would have lit himself on fire. Let a fire truck smash into him. Smash him like a hydraulic press. A bloody mess. He didn’t care. Would have done anything to atone for his sins. He would have deserved it.

Kaede was nice, understanding, a genuinely good person. Kokichi felt a small pit in his stomach. He wished Kaede was the person he had met instead. How kind was she, how much they had in common. How dumb Shuichi had been for ruining what he had with Kaede. Kokichi couldn’t compete with her at all. He didn’t want to. She was the real person that deserved happiness. Not Shuichi. Her.

She had talked to Shuichi before talking to Kokichi. Told Shuichi she talked to Kokichi. Shuichi had gotten quiet, not responded. Told Kaede that he only used Kokichi for sex. But, Kaede was able to call him out, tell Shuichi he clearly led Kokichi on. Though, it seemed Shuichi was only worried about Kaede ditching him. Tried to talk her into them not taking a break, into her talking to him still.

All of what Shuichi had done to her in that single phone call, of what she told him, made Kokichi sick to his stomach. That even if Shuichi treated Kaede opposite to how he treated Kokichi, usually only wanting only to do what Kaede did, he was still manipulative. Still wouldn’t listen to her advice, or her requests. Buying her gifts when she said not to, not wanting to listen to relationship advice she had gotten from her communications college classes, or the like.

But then again, it was funny. Kaede had thought she was the bad significant other. She had been fine with the possibility of a poly relationship too, something Shuichi had turned down. Probably because he didn’t want to share. He didn’t even want to take a break. Probably too scared with the potential of losing Kaede. He was selfish, greedy, an asshole.

How dare he had been so against healthy communication in a relationship. How dare he lie and say Kaede wouldn’t listen to his worries when he had never even attempted, when she seemed to eager to do so to begin with?

Miu had joked later, when Kokichi told her about what Kaede had said, that Shuichi could have easily been the protag in a harem anime. But his fears of other people dating someone else, made him being toxic and manipulative instead of honest.

After a long conversation, a few hours to both of their surprises, Kaede had left, mostly due to some info that tipped her over the edge. Something personal Shuichi had told Kokichi, that Shuichi had no right to share. Kokichi assumed that it was also the tipping point that would make Shuichi lose Kaede’s generosity.

Kokichi felt more at peace. He had gotten pieces of stories, they had put together these pieces, made sense of things. They laughed about realizing how shitty Shuichi had been. Refusing help, being shitty, being manipulative. Toxic. Terrible. Using others. Ignoring advice. Selfish. Anything and everything. 

Shuichi had lied about cutting himself, something Kaede confirmed when telling Kokichi she had never once seen scars on his skin. Avoided getting help from her too, same excuses, same reasons. Kaede didn’t even know Shuichi had a drinking problem. Kokichi was furious to know that Shuichi cutting himself, even webcamming himself with a knife in his mouth, had been some sort of ruse. A lie. Shuichi lied all the time to Kokichi, and only now did Kokichi realize it.

Bitterness and salt was Kokichi could feel now. How dare this person say they use him. How dare Kokichi allow it. How dare it happen. How dare Shuichi not even try to reach out to Kokichi after he blocked him. Sure, Kokichi would have told him to fuck off, but not even to see what was wrong. Shuichi, had just accepted it. Kokichi felt like he was owed an apology. Though, as said before, even if he got one, he would have told Shuichi to fuck off.

Old conversations now had a different light shined on them. When Shuichi was hanging up on Kokichi, he was calling Kaede. Dates in screenshots, Kaede could piece together with how he had acted around her. If she couldn’t visit him, he’d go to someone else for attention. If she had to go away for family reasons or school, he’d start talking to other people till she came back, only to cut them off. Times she thought he was tired, she realized he was drunk. She thought he was a social drinker, like he had told her, not an alcoholic. After all, no one wants to think their significant other would lie to them.

Kokichi meant nothing to Shuichi. Kokichi was passive, eager, willing to please. That meant Shuichi didn’t have to be left alone. Shuichi didn’t love Kokichi, possibly not even Kaede, not even Tsumugi, all the others he had led on. Shuichi loved having someone be there for him all the time.

All Kokichi could do now is move on. Grow from his experiences. Not let something like this happen again.

He couldn’t help but look at his arm, the one with the scar going down it. A reminder of how bad his mental place had been. He had lied to his parents about it, saying he got cut on something. He didn’t want to tell him that he had scratched himself to the point of bleeding.

Kokichi had never seen himself as a liar, but he often lied a lot more then he realized originally, specially to family. Out of fear mostly. Fear of being caught doing something bad. Fear of being yelled at. He had tried to be as honest as possible to Shuichi. Though, that hadn’t really worked out well, had it? But Shuichi lying to Kokichi, that worked wonders for Shuichi, had it not?

Kokichi felt he had grown, looking at that he saw bad about himself, wanting to change it. Fix himself so to speak. Talk to friends more. Make something of himself. Heal. Not be so goddamn lonely for once because one person won't talk to him.

Though, he had to admit, falling into despair wasn’t so bad. The hope he felt, it kept him going, being used and abused. Kept him in a dangerous mindset. Despair had allowed him to see rationally. Sure, he had been upset, wanted Shuichi to feel the same kind of despair he felt. He had still hoped that Shuichi had felt the same, if not worse.

Hope and despair, like two sides of the same coin. Too far into one or the other became unhealthy. Allowed one to hold onto a bad situation that had no hope of salvage, or destroying another with no concern of their well being.

Though, part of him relished in the idea of causing Shuichi a true feeling of despair. Of ruining his life. Of getting revenge. Of causing him depression for his past actions. Was it shitty of him to want another to feel this despair? Probably. But he didn't care.

Kokichi hoped he could figure out what the healthy midpoint was. Maybe it was a point that he could hope for someone who had been shitty to him could get help, needed help, but also realizing that it wouldn't happen. Skepticism. Rational Thinking.

To focus on himself first. To put all hope instead into himself, Kokichi Ouma, with intentions of making himself better.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A drabble I wanted to write to add onto this AU. I wanted to get it out of my head before I write other shit. Probably typos but I don't really care much so. Yep.

“Well, what did he say?” Kokichi asked quietly into his microphone, leaning back in his chair, as it stabled itself against his bed.

He heard a quick chuckle in response first. “Well, for a while, Shuichi wasn’t honestly responding to me for a while…” Tsumugi responded over the voice chat with the purple haired boy. She paused, letting out a quiet ‘mmm’ before continuing. “But, you know about the other situations I told you, right?”

Of course Kokichi knew. Ever since he blocked Shuichi, he had tried to find small threads connected back to him. People who were still willing to talk to that asshole. He wanted to grow and move on, but part of him was relishing in the fact he had absolutely demolished Shuichi, even if he hadn’t been able to witness it.

He knew he shouldn’t be taking so much satisfaction from this, but oh was he. Something about knowing Shuichi was feeling shitty like Kokichi had in the past, a sense of just desserts finally arriving. It made Kokichi feel delighted.

Though, he probably didn’t have much room to talk about justice for shitty actions, but, oh well. He tried to not think about that.

He hadn’t even talked to Kaede ever since their last and their first voice chat conversation, but he knew that her and Shuichi were over. That Shuichi had, apparently, cried for two days straight, and even cut himself off from the world for a whole month. How Tsumugi had actually got drunk at one point, and messaged Shuichi that she knew about the situation, as if to call him out. How that didn’t even stop Shuichi from messaging her. It was like he was ignoring that fact to a point.

But here Shuichi was back, trying to rope Tsumugi back in. Kokichi let out a small laugh, running his open hand over his mouth and down to his neck, before resting it over the top of his chest.

“Of course.” Kokichi responded to Tsumugi’s statement, expecting something ridiculous.

Tsumugi responded quickly. “Well, apparently, he’s been helping his uncle clean out their house. It’s apparently a hoarding nightmare, he even sent me pictures!”

Kokichi moved his hand back to his mouse, quickly opening up his folders. “Send them to me, I want to see them. He sent me some once, want to see if they match.” He was practically already playing detective, snooping around for past things.

Tsumugi had agreed, quickly sending the photos. Kokichi opened them, letting a loud laugh escape from the back of his throat, as he leaned his chair forward.

“These are the same pictures he sent me back in April!” Kokichi laughed, shaking his head. He sent her two photos, one identical, the other similar to another, but just badly lit.

“What a fucking idiot.” Kokichi paused. “God, you should, totally call him out on it and see what he says.”

Tsumugi laughed, “I probably will, wait till he drunk calls me, see what he says… Oh one more thing by the way!”

“What?”

Tsumugi giggled, whispering, “He told me the other day he apparently feels bad for his actions, says he wishes he could apologize to you, but he has no idea how to.”

Kokichi laughed, it was loud and gross, a single over exaggerated ‘HA’ escaping his mouth. “If he actually wanted to say sorry, he could easily ask for a middle man through you or Rantaro, or even sign up on Twitter and message me through an unblocked account.”

He was smiling at this point. “All Shuichi wants is for you to think he’s a good person. He has no intentions of apologizing to me. He’s afraid of getting called out. All he wants is someone to think he’s good and changed.”

Tsumugi, thankfully, agreed. Though, after that the two of them had hung up the call, Kokichi could only lean forward, thinking. He spent too much time devoted to this. Seeing what other people knew through his connections. He’d informed a lot of people about what Shuichi had done. He loved getting their reactions, getting validated that Shuichi had been shitty.

That night he slept. He’d had a dream. That Shuichi had called him. Part of Kokichi had froze in panic, only listening to dream Shuichi explain he had gotten himself sent to a hospital, out of fear he’d harm himself.

Kokichi was thankful dream him was smart enough to call him out, yell at him, tell him that he hopes that true, because he is going to need a lot of help, before hanging up.

Then Kokichi woke up, feeling like a dumbass for even daring to dream about Shuichi. He wanted to move on, but spending free time keeping tabs on Shuichi wasn’t going to help him. This wasn’t healthy, using friends to tell him what the other boy was up to.

Even in his group chat with Miu and Rantaro, the one he called DICE, they essentially gossiped and bitched a fuck ton. Kokichi loved it. He owned the chat, nicknaming himself the Supreme Leader of said chat, more so as a joke.

But, with every new person added, he told them they were free to search old logs. Many were surprised at stuff they found about Shuichi. They had even pinned a few of the best messages, not always about Shuichi of course.

One of Kokichi’s favorites was him saying ‘im always a slut for shittalking Shuichi’, that had been pinned ASAP by Miu.

It was nice to get validation how he felt wasn’t wrong, but at the same time, he wanted to not devote time and thoughts to someone worth none of it.

It’d take time, as did everything did, of course. He wasn’t naive and full of hope with no direction anymore. To find that middle ground between hope and despair. Between forgiveness and vengeance.

Googling didn’t help. All he got was religious mumbo-jumbo he didn’t care much about. Only words he could find was resignation and integrity. Neither seemed to fit what he was looking for.

Though, integrity was interesting. The article described it being a middle ground where you act justly because you love, not acting from hope and not acting due to despair. But acting due to life being a gift.

Was there really a middle ground for hope and despair? Was it more like a spectrum, different shades mixed together as one, sometimes swirled and marbled, like oil and water not mixing? 

What would the lack of hope and despair be? Would that be resignation? Accepting things are just like that, for better or worse?

Kokichi didn’t know. Would he ever know? Was there a solid answer? Probably not. There were many answers depending on who you asked or how you looked at it.

Though, worrying about it wouldn’t help him. He had gotten out of a bad situation, and that was more than enough for him at the moment, even if he was still bitter and loved to complain.

He was better then he was before, and he could be thankful for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't know how to end it, just wanted to drabble.

**Author's Note:**

> Didn't know how to end this, but, I was tired of working on this to be honest. I wanted to post it so I could focus on other shit. So fuck this shit I'm out.


End file.
